Am I Don Quixote

    I believe the time has come for me to speak about my experience, thus far, working on the film ‘Am I Don Quixote.’  I found my core motivation for involvement existing within the film’s creator, Jimmy Ferguson.  He and I have shared many projects, both fruitful and rotten.  The most common denominator, regardless of the projects’ outcomes, has always been our friendship and artistry.  We share sensibilities, for the most part, and our intrinsic understanding for art and life seem adjacent.  I’ve been involved with this film particularly since before its infancy.  My love and trust for Jimmy was all that was needed to commit, ambition be damned.  That is not, however, my reason for continued involvement.  Nor should it be the reason for yours.

    It may seem a bit odd for a film with no screenplay to require two writers, but the way things seem, as you will understand, are not what is actually happening in this film, nor in its construction.  My writing on the film has not been that of a prose writer.  I have written nothing that has added to the story.  My writing has only been that of accentuation and circumstantial guessing.  I have tried to conceive where this film may go, and what is important to dwell on if it were to follow that uncertain path.  I could not have written a single sentence that would make it into the film as I intended.  If I suggest an action and it is filmed, it will only serve as an action with no real relevance to a story - for the story is realized as it occurs.  This film has a gas petal and brakes, no steering wheel.  It will be there when and how it chooses.

    In order to understand what this film is, I needed first to understand what it is not.  “I am not a narrative.  Not a documentary.  Not a filmed improvisation.  I am no joke, nor should I be taken seriously.”  It spoke to me, “I am, simply, all of these things.”  Contradictions need not apply, “I am not constructed of parts.  I am everything, all the time - a whole.”  If not for being present in the “always” there would be no basis for narrative.  For example, if Jimmy had not come to learn of Carlos’ run-in with an angry lion, we would not have shown the teeth marks gouged into Carlos’ skull.  Both Jimmy’s learning of the lion and Carlos’ re-telling are captured on film while shooting a scene that was preconceived, yet the scene being shot is derived of a happening caught on camera naturally, earlier in the shoot.  Confused?  Good.  This is not a film that promotes your escape. It is not a film that requires your guessing in hopes of understanding its course.  It is a film that forces you to fall into it, to only question yourself.

    I’ve realized this through editing.  There is not one moment that I can attribute to myself, only ideas.  And the ideas that I claim ownership over, do not follow my perceived path.  They are, genuinely, their own.  My most infuriating challenge is letting the film come to realize itself.  If I were to cut together images because of their intent, the film will reject this, demanding me to let go.  I can honestly say that there is nothing cut together as intended, yet I have relied on feelings that have been instilled in me through watching the film - a paradox.  It’s a bizarro experience - a film being assembled by way of its disassembling. No bias, no intent, no conceits.  I have become more of a listener than a storyteller- an observer.  If this film had an iMac, Premiere Pro, and a biological body, I would not be necessary.  But you would.  And you are.

    This is a film about you.  It is absolutely particular to you.  It is your life caught on film.  It is your story re-imagined as it happens.  It is what will become of you.  It is your delusion, your perspective, your understanding.  It is both real and ridiculous.  As are you.  It is both filmed and imagined.  It speaks on your achievements, your failures, your obsessions, your discontentment, you passion, your angst, your vision, and your obscured eye.  It is both beyond you and dependent on you.  I can assure you, there has never been a film like this, a person like you, and I doubt there ever will be again.  Help populate this Quixotic world.  Population 1.       

Joey Mallary (co-writer/editor AIDQ?)

I just saw ‘The Artist’.  The audience was afraid to make noise.  People restrained their laughter.  It was an odd reaction I thought.  It’s interesting to see the response to a silent film in today’s world. 

A newborn is soft and tender,
A crone, hard and stiff.
Plants and animals, in life, are supple and succulent;
In death, withered and dry.
So softness and tenderness are attributes of life,
And hardness and stiffness, attributes of death.

Just as a sapless tree will split and decay
So an inflexible force will meet defeat;
The hard and mighty lie beneath the ground
While the tender and weak dance on the breeze above.

I’ve been touched by the film community’s support of my project.  We’ve all been pushing for years to get our films made and released.  I like to think that we can join and be stronger as a united force and, through this, find more opportunities and success (artistically and commercially).

Several filmmakers have donated and have included our info on their websites, mailing lists, social media, etc.  Among them, our neighbors, Park Slope Films (Park Slope as in Park Slope, Brooklyn, where I and they live) has been supporting the film in various ways.  They are helping me to get the word out to their (our) community.  They also connected me to The Art Of Brooklyn Film Festival where I was able to screen the trailer.

I also screened the trailer at the Contemporary Arts Center of New Orleans and at the Cinema On The Bayou Film Festival in Lafayette, LA.   We had as many as 200 audience members at the screenings.

It’s very helpful to screen to a large audience in a theatre and see their reaction and receive feedback through the Q&A.  I remember the first screening of the trailer. I was nervous of the reaction, and then… the audience erupted in laughter - they burst into applause at the end.  The overwhelmingly positive response at those screenings gave me confidence and enthusiasm to push forth to the completion of the film.

Involving audience response throughout the process allows me to gain the necessary perspective to be certain that I am properly communicating my intention.  I’m hoping to continue this process through pre-screeners and the online community.  I invite you all to be a part.

Thanks to all the filmmakers who have stepped up to support the movie.  Thank you for helping spread the word and inviting your communities and fans to be a part of this film.  It means a lot to have a filmmakers discerning eye validate the work.

We’re growing together and I’m here to support you all and help your films become a success.

I had a strange experience…  I was working on the online promotions of my film at a coffee shop here in brooklyn, when - suddenly - I saw a boy on a bike get hit by a van. 

He convulsed on the ground for several moments (can one measure time at a moment like this?).  People came to his side.  He eventually moved a bit before the ambulance took him away.

I was left frozen, my heart seemed stilled, breath halted.  I sat unmoving for roughly 10-15 minutes.  A woman at my side did the same.  

It brought me to question the work that I was doing (promoting my film).  Something felt wrong;  I couldn’t see how these promotions connected to my life ambitions and values. It seemed so self-centered and foreign to my very being to be engaged in my own promotion.

It occurred to me that I needed to reassess all of my efforts.  I am making films to communicate with others, to share something of myself and of my experience of life - to offer something to society, to connect with humanity.  

The social media campaign should be no different.  This must be about sharing.  My reaching out online will not be one of promotions and marketing, but rather of sharing and connecting.  It must be an extension of my film, and of me.

“… la seule divinité raisonnable, je veux dire le hasard.”

-Albert Camus, La Chute

My first night at Circus Flora, as fortune would have it, I met Carlos Svensson, the world-renowned equestrian. The Swede spoke to me in a flawless French. He told me of his legendary family, the generations old tradition, and growing up in the premiere circuses of Europe. He told me of the great successes and wild adventures in his career. 

Carlos asked me why I was there and I told him my story. By early dawn, he told me of the suffering he was living after losing his wife and career - the 52 year old legend had lost everything of meaning to him. His tears were like my own, and this film was born from them.

I lived in the circus at Carlos’ side. We developed a friendship and bond that I have rarely encountered. It was clear to me that, through him and what we shared, I would discover the film I had set out to make.

I started by shooting documentary footage. Then, as I learned more about the circus and its legendary performers and their inspiring world and, as I came to know Carlos Svensson, I changed - and as I changed the film changed; it became, as I now think was inevitable, my film and Carlos Svensson’s film.

This film is an exploration of the ‘hasard’. Film production is about control. But after just living the complete lack of control of life, I decided to make a film that would accommodate reality - to ‘go with the flow’ and see what life would bring me. Gone for me was the rigid construct of the fiction film that I was so embedded in artistically and professionally for over ten years. I knew that I must embrace the uncontrollable.

What might I find when I open myself to the possibilities of the world?

….I found Carlos. I found Quixote.

Remember these posts get pushed down, so start from the bottom to follow the chronology of the story.  Eventually the chronology won’t matter much, but for now I’m slowly building my story over several posts.

Chime in!  Get involved.  Bug me.